A Piece of Me

“Rock Bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – JK Rowling

The year 2019 was the biggest struggle of my life. Depression and anxiety have always been a constant. Medications were able to keep them manageable. Then, drastic and traumatic changes were made in my life and my world flipped upside down. At that point, medications weren’t enough. I always knew they weren’t a magical pill that would “fix” me. Up until this point, they kept my inner demons in check. I did everything that books, blogs, and podcasts suggested you do to put a broken heart back together. The moment I thought I had a handle on life, something would knock me down again. I was skeptical that finding help for my depression was possible. I stepped onto a roller coaster and was unsure how to get off.

Inevitably, I would hit rock bottom. I was exhausted from the nonstop mental battle. I knew I needed to let go of the past, love myself, and stop comparing my journey to others. Knowing and accomplishing are very different things. I felt as though I was in a deep dark hole and the moment there was hope of climbing out, a mountain of dirt would crash into me yet again. My hopelessness increased and I found myself at the bottom over and over again. Getting out of bed became a struggle. The fight against the negative thinking became harder. I needed the pain to stop and nothing had worked. In my mind, the only option was to take myself out of this world. As I held tightly to the pills, I thought of those who love me. Yes, my pain would be gone but this decision would hurt them even more. At that moment, I chose to fight; I chose to live.

Depression is MEDICAL illness

The next morning, I knew I needed a serious plan to turn my life around. This was the problem…I didn’t know how to do that. I confided in a friend about the night before. Thank God for him, he took me to the ER and I was able to take the first step in my recovery. To me, this wasn’t a medical problem. I bombarded every nurse with apologizes, admitting it was foolish for me to be there. I just needed to put on my big girl pants and get over it. Their kindness in this moment was my first light bulb moment. When I expressed my feelings to the nurses and technicians, they never made me feel stupid or unjustified for being there. They told me this WAS a medical problem because depression is a DISEASE. Finding yourself in the hospital may be a consequence when it’s not treated. No one would tell a diabetic to choose to get better rather than taking their insulin. The same goes with depression.

My past told me I should be stronger than and beat this disease. Medical professionals ensuring me I was in the right place was a huge A-HA moment. I will never be able to thank them enough! Especially, the special woman who brought me a toothbrush and toothpaste from her home because she knew the ER didn’t have them. I will never forget the moment she took a bracelet inscribed with the words, “NEVER GIVE UP” and placed it on mine. She was adamant I take it as a reminder. I finally knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t be afraid of finding help for depression! Seriously…

Walking into the Center for Cognitive Disorders was terrifying. I thought I would be walking into Girl Interrupted. Instead, was a group of individuals just like me and a staff who never made us feel weak or crazy. They understood why we were there. There was no more guilt about being the way I was. My group attended every group session and class played games, laughed, colored color sheets, watched movies, and talked from the moment we woke up to the time we went to bed. It was such a relief knowing I wasn’t alone. Many of my friends don’t have depression or anxiety. We both know they don’t fully understand my struggle and I tend to feel insecure expressing my thoughts and emotions. But in this safe haven, everyone was free to share their struggle. We provided insights for one other and there was no more hiding our fear, struggle, or pain. Masks were removed and we shared our authentic selves. I knew they were a gift from God and were brought together to heal one another

Hope for the Future!

This hospital was literally lifesaving. Mental illness has an unjustified stigma in society and some people don’t understand or even want to understand. In the past, I had been ashamed that medications were required to treat my mind. But now, I’m able to freely discuss my treatment because I learned techniques and coping skills to combat my disease. My eyes were finally open that I let my depression and anxiety tell myself lies. I used to believe them, but now I see them for what they really are- LIES.

The most enlightening moment during recovery occurred in a therapy session with my doctor. She told me a windshield is huge and it is where we are going (our future). The rear-view mirror is tiny and it is where we have been (the past). If we were to only focus on the rear-view mirror (our past) we would miss what is in front of us and crash our car. But if we look forward and check the rear-view mirror from time to time, we will stay safe. In other words, if I keep focusing on the past it will lead to catastrophe. WOW, it had never seemed so simple before. That is what put me in this hospital. The more I meditated on that, I added more to the analogy. If we wreck our vehicle and have it repaired (go through this treatment), but we don’t change the way we drive we will wreck yet again. If I don’t implement what I have learned here into my life then I will find myself in that hole again. Einstein said it best when he said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

“Everything happens for a reason”- WORDS I DESPISE while in a dark place… Saying that doesn’t console me (even though I know it’s true). In the hospital, I took a hard look at my life and I could see everything I had been through (even the bad things) happened for a reason. There was a reason it was this hospital and this group of individuals were put into my life for a purpose. I know continuing to live with depression and anxiety isn’t going to be a walk in the park, but I’m going to put my whole heart into FINDING MY ME again. Mark Twain said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why”. I don’t know my why yet, but the hope of finding it is the reason why I choose to stay in this world!

If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting themselves; FINDING HELP FOR DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IS POSSIBLE! Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255  

Call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, across the United States. Visit their website here: NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

More resources to finding help with depression, other mental illnesses, and suicidal thoughts can be found HERE!